Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
