Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
