my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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