somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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