Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
