Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Randomize
