We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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