That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
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If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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