Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
