I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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