Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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