I wish my penis had an off switch
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My liver just had a heart attack.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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