its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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