I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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