What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
