I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
