you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
