i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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