Someone shit on the floor
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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