Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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