These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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