The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
