Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
God, I missed his penis.
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