i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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