This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
