I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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