My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
