How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I understand Curling. That high.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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