I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Randomize
