Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
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If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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