Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
should my penis look like a turkey
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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