I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
