Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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