I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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