hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
