ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
