I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
