put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
