I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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