I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
