Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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