the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
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If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
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I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges