I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
