If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
