gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
