Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You pole danced in your parka.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
