Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
