clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
