Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
