glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Randomize
