Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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