cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
