just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
