my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
