Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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