never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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