No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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