im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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